marathonpacks Live Diarys Game 3 of the NBA Finals.

So, I’m not sure why I’m doing this—something to do, I guess. And it’ll be a good way to improve my rapid typing skills. I’m going to watch the game at my girlfriend’s apartment, who’s out of town, and has TV. She does not, however, have wireless, so I may make some guesses about people and stats that will be completely wrong. I imagine most of the comments will be about things other than the game itself, though. This is the first game I’ve seen of the series, and the first NBA game altogether since Ron Artest freaked out again and I gave up on the Pacers for the second year in a row. I have no specific allegiances, but I’m definitely rooting for Dallas, because I love Mark Cuban and Erick Dampier. And I used to get called “Nowitzki” when I played with the black guys at Arsenal Park in Indianapolis. Because of the skin, not the talent.


8:21: ABC promo for “Master of Champions,” which is an amazingly named show. Who in the world wouldn’t watch a show called “Master of Champions”? I hope it marks the return of the “That’s Incredible”-types of shows. I really hope even more that John Davidson hosts it.

8:23: “According to Jim” is the lead-in. I’ve always thought that Jim Belushi would be a pretty good guy in real life, so I’m glad he’s getting work. That’s about it.

8:26: There’s this older woman character on the show who looks like her eyes are being pulled from behind by bungee cords.

8:33: Michael Wilbon looks like Reverend Run. He also seldom says anything meaningful.

8:34: Lisa Salters is peeking out from behind an oppressive graphic, which takes up like 2/3 of the screen.

8:36: Marc Jackson is here, too. I think he is a reverend.

8:38: I met Stuart Scott when the Pacers played the Lakers back in 2000. He was rapping “Fuck Wit Dre Day” as a mic-test, which I liked.

8:39: Jason Terry looks like the child of Dee Brown (the old one) and Penny Hardaway. Seriously.

8:40: Another fucking Garfield movie? Nermal’s in a cat-porno somewhere, no doubt. And Garfield is totally the Jim Belushi of cartoon cats. Heathcliff is Dave Thomas.

8:42: Dr. J is being interviewed by the insufferable and un-aging Ahmad Rashad. J is rocking some major pinstripes.

8:45: Holy shit, is this Chris Connolly? He’s doing NBA pre-game now? Remember when he did a movie show on MTV? And now he’s calling Pat Riley an “Armani-clad impresario.” I bet if given the chance, I could kick Pat Riley’s ass.

8:47: Okay, so the point of the package is that Pat Riley somehow attracts famous people to watch his teams’ games? Um, I think it’s because he coached in Los Angeles, New York and Miami. I doubt he’d bring Dyan Cannon to Milwaukee. Michael Wilbon just said that as I was typing.

8:49: Jason Terry just showed his chest, nipple included, in his talking head interview. I actually tried that on my first job interview, to limited success.

8:52: Oh shit!! “Master of Champions” again! Yeah, this is going to be great.

8:54: Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Steven A. Smith? He’s made a career out of the “angry black man” stereotype. It’s laughable and horrible.

8:56: Okay, I seriously need to go grab a sandwich now, before the game starts.

9:06: I gave in and ordered a pizza.

9:08: Michael McDonald on the anthem, and the Silver Fox is killing it. I’ve always loved M.McD, from his time on “Bad Sneakers” and “Peg” through “Only A Fool Believes,” “I Keep Forgettin’” and, yes, “Sweet Freedom.” He’s like the American Joe Cocker.

9:10: Now there’s fast techno music and nothing going on. Oh wait, they’re introducing Dallas. Marquis Daniels looks THUG.

9:12: They’re playing “In the Air Tonight” under the player intros! Alonzo Mourning could play a live action genie in a kid’s movie, I’m convinced. Give the man a chance. Shot from below, with his arms folded? C’mon.

9:16: Okay she’s got some sort of nasty perfumy air freshener in here that I have to find. It’s killing me. Killing me.

9:17: Did Tracy McGrady get his eye fixed? Looks like it. So, Shaq=fixed. Hubie Brown=fixed. Who’s left? Bernie Mac, that's who.

9:18: I like Hardee’s new ad campaign where they admit their food is greasy and disgusting and is often eaten in private shame.

9:20: Tip.

9:21: Terry with a pretty floater, 2-2. I just realized that I didn’t see Mark Cuban once in the intro. I will take this occasion to mention that I love Mark Cuban. IU guy. Shit-talker. Not afraid to look like a complete idiot on television and wear a sleeveless shirt.

9:25: Wade and O’Neal are both hott. Oh, snap. Pizza’s here.

9:27: These Miller Lite “man law” commercials are perhaps more annoying than Stephen A. Smith.

9:32: O’Neal yet to cool off, Nowitzki yet to make a shot. Dallas looks awful. OH NO! Stackhouse with a monster Dr. J dunk! Get this man some pinstripes.

9:38: Shaq hits his first two free throws. This could get ugly.

9:41: Then he gets a dumbass foul on Dampier.

9:44: Where’s the pre-game package on Van Horn vs. Doleac: The Clash of the Mormons?

9:49: Dallas is cold. They’re lucky to only be down 8.

9:51: Nick Lachey has his own commercial. What in the world is the appeal of this guy? He’s Cro-Magnon. Oh, it’s for Axe body spray. Fittingly sleazy.

9:53: The live director of the game is cutting to shots of skanks in the audience. It’s like watching a dude sit next to the stage at a strip club, kinda.

9:54: Dallas turns over their first possession. They’re playing like crap.

9:55: Walker gets mugged and still scores. Miami is on fire. Up ten now. Yeah, then Van Horn with a charge. Dude’s socks make him look like a burn victim though.

9:59: Dallas can’t get any sort of rhythm. Like throwing rocks at passing trains, or another malformed euphemism.

10:00: DATELINE: THE NBA. Gary Payton has a big mouth. Gets a tech for talking shit. Not the way to win the title there, chief. Meanwhile, Shawn Kemp smacks a prostitute with a coat hanger in a motel room.

10:01: Timeout Heat, Mavs on an 8-0 run while I speculated about Shawn Kemp.

10:05: Nowitzki with a pretty turn-around. There we go. Sehr gut, Herr Dirk.

10:06: Wade with a remarkable drive and score, though. It’s back and forth now, which is good.

10:11: This pro player head on little kid bodies commercial for Gatorade is simultaneously amazing and creepy.

10:12: But the Vince Carter-won’t-get-off-his-cell-phone commercial is hilarious. “That’s why we don’t feed the dog people food.”

10:15: Tie. Shit—I hate Jason Williams! Heat by 2. I think I’d rather hang out with the Jayson Williams who shoots people than this guy, who looks like the brother of the guy I used to buy weed from freshman year. A guy used to stop by that kind of looked like Nowitzki, too, now that I think about it.

10:17: I wonder if Udonis Haslem ever gets mistaken for Latrell Sprewell.

10:18: Terry goes up for an amazing defender-splitting up and under, and gets smacked in the face by Aladdin Mourning. That’s the first I’ve thought about him since pre-game.

10:20: Outkast’s “I Love the Way You Move” is being used to sell the Chevy Tahoe to black people. A few years ago, I offered a freelance commercial to a local car wash with “So Fresh So Clean” as the soundtrack. I didn’t get a reply email.

10:21: “Master of Champions” is already the greatest show of all time. Some chick shot an arrow into a bullseye upside-down with her fucking feet.

10:22: Oh, god. They’re going to do a thing at halftime on Mourning’s kidney failure. I hope they show surgery footage at least.

10:23: Antoine Walker is like the 35-year old guy in the pickup game that leaves his kid in the car. IU’s got a guy named Robert Vaden (who will probably transfer) who is destined to be the next Antoine Walker. He looks like a Cameroonian cab driver. Seriously.

10:25: Stackhouse had an open dunk, but blew it by trying to tie his shoelaces with the ball on the way up. Could have cut it to two, man.

10:26: Wade at the line for his 12th attempt of the first half. That’s a lot. Miami will win if he keeps this up. That’s my bold, unprovable prediction.

10:28: Miami back up by 7 with a minute to go. If they keep this up, they’ll be up at halftime.

10:31: Dwyane Wade is affable in an interview. I like Dwyane Wade.

10:32: Is Tom Petty the official musician of the NBA Finals? “Running Down a Dream” and “All or Nothin.’” Petty has a lot of vague, ambition-themed songs, I’m thinking but have no proof.

10:37: Oh dear. They’re doing the Babe Ruth sick kid inspiration bullshit thing with Mourning. The NBA obviously doesn’t care about killing millions of buzzes around the country right now. They’re using the ultra-mawkish Dateline NBC style, too. It’s really, really bad. The kid seems really, really uncomfortable, like his mom and the NBA forced him into a press appearance and he really just wanted to watch TV or ride his bike. Dubious.

10:41: HP tries to sell computers to black people with Jay-Z, without showing his face.

10:44: Jimmy Kimmel makes a Tom Cruise on Oprah joke. Seriously unfunny, as usual. The Streets will be on his show tonight, though. I’ll be asleep.

10:47: “Master of Champions” sounds like the title of a Swedish game show awkwardly translated into English.

10:52: Dallas opens the half with five straight points. Heat time-out. I just had the thought that Mike Skinner is the British rap version of Jason Williams.

10:55: Nowitzki with a three. Dallas within three.

10:56: My boy Dampier with a dunk. Dallas within one.

10:57: There’s Terry! Dallas by one!

11:00: Jim Belushi would really improve the Miller Light “man law” commercials.

11:04: Miami back up by 4. I spaced out for a while thinking about packing for vacation, which I haven’t done yet.

11:06: Coors Light commercial where a bunch of dudes take the woman’s head from a wedding ice sculpture and cool their beer with it. There is just so, so much wrong with this commercial on so, so many theoretical and symbolic levels. And it’s got the “oh face” dude from Office Space in it.

11:09: Howard’s getting hot, fifteen points. I’ve never, ever seen a crowd more monochromatic. Terry puts Dallas back up by one.

11:10: Then, well, Dwyane Wade is really, really good. A realy, really good spin move plus one. Can’t make a free-throw to save a kid in a hospital, though.

11:11: Whoa, here comes Joward. I made that nickname for him. He’s built like a long-distance runner.

11:12: Nowitski for three, Mavs by four!

11:13: Nowitzki hits a long jumper, and I found the smelly-ass Glade Plug In. Yes!

11:14: Is Apple still looking for bands that sound like Jet for iPod commercials?

11:16: Wade’s limping, and still drove through half of Dallas for a lay-up.

11:19: Miami’s cold. O’Neal misses a hook he’d make nine times out of ten. Then Dampier makes one. Dallas by 9.

11:22: Shaq’s shooting free-throws like frat dudes play beer pong. Dallas by nine, wow.

11:23: Another Petty song: “Out in the Cold.” Huh. I wanna hear “Don’t Come Around Here No More” when someone gets his shot blocked. That would just cap it.

11:24: Another M. Night Shyamalan film trailer with a whispering child and desaturated color scheme. Another Shyamalan film that will no doubt suck, but which I will see anyway, because there’s bound to be one sequence that’s just amazing.

11:28: Miami has 18 turnovers and have missed like 200 free throws. Wade picks up number five. Not good signs for the Miamis.

11:29: Wade stays in the game with five fouls. I agree that he should. Your best players need to be on the court during important games, no matter what. That’s all the analysis I can muster.

11:30: Nowitzki converts a layup, but I can’t tell how, because ABC is using the seasick camera hanging from the clothesline. It’s annoying as hell. Nowitzki hits another, Dallas by TEN. Miami’s playing sloppy.

11:32: Nowitzki stares at his defender for what seems like 30 minutes, then rifles a bullet to Devin Harris, who shoots and does something else with a gun metaphor. Cocks. He cocks.

11:34: That movie Click is like Bruce Almighty, but with TiVo instead of God. Get it? Of course you do.

11:36: The American Mike Skinner hits a three. He’s all “Let’s Push Things Forward,” guys!

11:38: Haslem dribbled off his knee, Miami down 11 with 6:47 left. Turnover number 20. Oh, there’s Terry again, now it’s 13.

11:39: The play by play guy says “it’s desperation time for the Miami Heat,” when there’s six minutes left.

11:40: Coors Light has a thermal label? Fucking label? What is this? To keep the bottle insulated from the drinker’s hand? Who nurses Coors Light? It’s called the “Silver Bullet” for a reason.

11:43: Wade eats Joward for dinner. And one. Makes it.

11:44: Dallas is shooting 72% in the second half.

11:45: Wade drains a jumper and the crowd’s back in it. FAAAHHHHCK. Miami within 5.

11:46: I actually really like Sprite’s “sublymonal advertising” schtick. Especially the crazy third one where the guy has a little mouth instead of an eye.

11:47: I’m pretty sure Charlie Sheen’s doing VO for Nissan Maxima. So no more Platoon, I’m guessing.

11:49: Jesus, Wade is amazing. Like “Master of Champions” level amazing. Again, he ate Joward’s children like Mike Tyson. Miami within 3. Nowitzki called for a moving screen. Miami has all sorts of momentum. 12-2 run.

11:50: Nowitzki calling for the ball. It’s going to come down to Wade v. Nowitzki.

11:52: Okay, maybe not. Terry throws up a three with no time on the shot clock. Wasted opportunity.

11:53: O’Neal at the line again. He looks scared, which is weird. Makes the first, though. Wow. And the second.

11:54: Heat within 3. Mavs have wasted their last three possessions. Wade outside jumper, Heat within 1. Haslem with a steal, fouled on the shot. FAAAACKK. Miami by 1. Looks like it’ll shape up to be a good ending.

11:59: Terry bonks a jumper, then fouls Posey on the rebound. Posey ripped off Van Horn’s sock style, too. Is nothing sacred?

12:00: Devin Harris on a beautiful drive as the clock strikes midnight. Tie. Then Payton. 9 seconds left. I say screen for Nowitzki, with Howard as a second option. Go for two, try to jump into a foul.

12:02: Cuban, slo-motion, cussing. Bet he kills at beer pong.

12:03: Nowitzki drives and draws a foul. He’ll make ‘em both, and we’ll go overtime. Prediction.

12:04: MISSES THE SECOND. Somewhere, Hasselhoff cries.

12:05: Wade at the line, 41 and 14. Misses the second, because that’s what he’s been doing this game. Heat by two. Dallas should go for the win.

12:06: Oh, shit. Hubie’s eye is still junked. I guess it’s a Bernie Mac, sometimes crooked thing.

12:07: Nowitzki tries a lob, like a punk, and Dallas loses. Gary Glitter’s music starts playing, and Avery Johnson looks dapper but sad. Lisa Salters comes up to O’Neal’s belly button. He reminds her that they need to take it one game at a time.